… to knowing God

Using post pandemic mainstream vernacular, thinking back now, one may consider my medical school abstinence from spiritual things a period of deconstruction of sorts.

This deconstruction period was interrupted by a peculiar dream I had. In the dream I was outdoors walking along a beautiful green pasture under a sunny blue sky. In the horizon, I noted a solitaire tree. The closer I walked towards the tree, the larger I realized it was. Ultimately, I found myself at the base of the tree. It was a massive tree with a very thick trunk and its top stretched on forever it seemed towards the heavens. Standing this closely, I examined the thick wrinkles in the tree trunk, intrigued. Mid-examination, I realized this was not a tree but somehow a large very very very giant old man, who was standing tall and very still before me. The lines that captivated me were his wrinkles. In the instant of that shocking revelation, while I could not see his head, as it lay in the clouds, I suddenly had a vision of his eyes. They peered at me from a face covered in wrinkles, full of emotion. As I stared as these strange beautiful eyes, I heard a booming voice say,

“I love you. I have always loved you. And I always will love you.”

In his eyes, there was an intense tenderness and fullness present I have never seen in human eyes before combined with an equally intense unmistakable grief-ridden heartache. An eternal longing of sorts. Love, heartache, longing. All of these emotions surged through me simultaneously full force instantly when he spoke in the dream. I woke with tears in my eyes, deeply moved.

Describing this dream today, words fail to capture the intensity of the exchange. It was an indescribable feeling above anything else.

I couldn’t get the dream out of my head for weeks. In all honestly, I actually felt ashamed to feel so provoked by a dream; so much so that I kept it to myself for many years. Yet I immediately found myself turning over a host of new questions for weeks.

What was that? And what does this mean?

As much as I had decided that spiritual matters were unnecessary, I knew something changed for me significantly that night. I didn’t have answers, but it felt like the God of creation Himself told me He loved me.

And this time, in the dream, and when I woke up, as wild as it sounded, I actually believed Him. I felt like I actually believed Him in the dream and I woke up believing Him still. Not because anyone convinced me, or because I had answers suddenly to my many questions. I just believed Him somehow. Which was the biggest and most perplexing miracle of all to my mind.

The weeks thereafter, a few thoughts crossed my mind I lacked courage to say aloud. If God went out of His way to tell me He loved me, I must be able to hear from Him again, surely. Right? A one-and-done thing feels heartless somehow and gosh noone has ever looked at me like that before. So how do I speak to Him then? How do I hear from Him again? And how do I know it’s actually Him? Who can I talk to that will not think me insane? And what about dreams? Are dreams actually a current thing with God? Why in 20+ years of my life supposedly being around Christian people have I heard next to anything about any of this?

It seemed there was so much I was missing about this God. And I wondered what else I had been missing… or perhaps I had misunderstood much about Him. I was desperate to find out.

In my private wonderings the years that followed, I started going to a church because I didn’t know where else to go with my questions. But I kept my questions to myself. The preaching was difficult to follow at times and didn’t necessarily answer my questions about my experience, but the people were kind and welcomed me. And I made a few friends in their 20s as well that would pray with me. I learned that one of the main consistent ways God speaks is through the Holy Bible. I was desperate enough to hear from Him again (that familiar “radio-silence” since my dream was definitely there again…), so I started reading the Bible again. This time, the pages felt as if they were coming alive for me in a way they hadn’t previously; having heard some form of representation of His voice in the dream, I felt most captivated by the verses detailing God or Jesus speaking and paid keen attention to them.

Several other things began happening around the same time. Friends around me in medical school were crumbling in a variety of ways privately under the pressure of medical school, figuring life as a young adult, and being away from “home”. It certainly wasn’t the case with all, but many attempted coping with a number of things including increased alcohol and substance use, eating disorders, and dissatisfying romantic relationships. My own romantic relationships (my preferred coping strategy) seemed like painfully familiar patterns of utter disaster quite. Somehow the young adults in the church I had been attending were a stark contrast to my grad school experience treading water. Sure, most of them did not have the gravity of being a medical students on their back. But some were medical students too. And like us, almost universally, these young adults also barely knew their long term professional plans, many were in grad schools of sorts, most were unmarried, and many barely financing their existence in the expensive city. Yet they overwhelmingly seemed more balanced and dare I say even “happier” or more content maybe in comparison to my school crowd, even the church medical students. Or so was my perception at least. I found myself preferring their company to my classmates though they barely knew me. Over time, in this young adult community and in the verses in the Bible that caught my attention, I grew to learn that God actually already had a preferred beautiful plan for me and my life and I didn’t have to believe that I was in “no-mans land” figuring my life out for myself; trusting His leading actually absolved me from the weight to fix and figure everything (and everyone) out on my own. I didn’t know I was even carrying such a burden but this realization allowed me to be more present in my daily life as a medical student and resident with more authentic joy and peace that was neither related to friends or boyfriends, something I hadn’t known for many years.

Around this same time, I also began having a series of other peculiar dreams. Often about other people, some people I knew well and some I didn’t. And in several instances, the things I saw in the dream would happen in real life exactly the way they played out in my dream. I kept this privately to myself because I didn’t know who I could even trust in my church to share the experiences with. But it felt like God was speaking to me. I just wasn’t sure what to make of all of it. I started praying more privately again… initially about the dreams and eventually about other life things. This time my prayers were more conversational and simple. I didn’t have all of the answers but it felt in my heart as if I was walking in the right direction for the first time in a long time. And I started getting what felt like “answers” to those prayers which was a new and exciting chapter.

Towards the end of residency, I no longer just knew of God. I was getting to know Him.

I was getting acquainted with God the Father and creator of all things beautiful, the person of the savior Lord Jesus Christ, and the dynamic person of the Holy Spirit. It felt like I was learning who they were from ground zero in many ways. This time, I was learning of them not only from the pulpit during church on Sunday, but through the words of history, wisdom, and poetry of the Holy Bible, through life experiences, encounters (including dreams), and prayer. And the relationship has only grown richer since in healthy community with other kind men and women learning and growing in loving God and loving people well.

Knowing the Lord Jesus has transformed my life in the most beautiful and freeing ways. I am so thankful He pursued me in such generosity of love and grace! Knowing my own journey, I have great value for the necessity of individuality and authenticity in every person’s spiritual journey. I believe God invites us to bring our questions, doubts, hang-ups, frustrations, you name it, to Him. And the same love, freedom, and grace God invited me into many years ago initially through salvation and ultimately through an intimate faith in Jesus, is also available to each and every person as well.

NOTE: If you are reading this and find yourself considering exploring faith or pursuing a deeper relationship with Jesus:

I whole-heartedly encourage you to continue to explore those interests with thoughtful questions, an open unassuming heart, and simple conversational prayer with God. Time in reading the Holy Bible for yourself and honest dialogue in a healthy community of people who love God and will love and support you without expectations or condemnation of your journey are essential. For those wanting specifically to deepen their ongoing faithwalk with Jesus, I lead a group of wonderful people endeavoring to do just that! You can learn more about the vision for this group HERE .